It's been awhile since my last post. I've really struggled with this blog. Sometimes the thought of opening up to others and sharing my feelings about my life without Chase is terrifying. It's ugly, it's dark, it's depression, it's anger, it's rage, it's sorrow beyond sorrow, it's numbing, it's pain, it's a bleeding scarred heart beyond repair.
The thing that worries me the most is that when I post about that ugly thing that others may see it as loosing my faith. So, that's what I want to address in this post. There has been times through this I have stepped away from God. I have beat my fist against the ground in hurt and anger and yelled "Why Chase, why me, why my family?" I have felt anger toward God that he took my sweet baby boy from me. I have felt fury and rage when I see others that don't take care of their children get to keep theirs when our son whom we loved and would have given a beautiful life to was taken. (As I'm writing this a certain sweet 2 yr old climbs up in my lap for snuggles. :) Talk about God's love and grace!) My point is, even though my road has been peppered with ugliness not once has God ever stepped away from me. He has been the strong and steady rock that I lean upon and sometimes (actually a lot of times) he carries me. When I'm curled up on the floor weeping for Chase He is there. When I am coaching third base and Kiersten is up to bat and she gets a awesome hit and scores us a run He is there. When I get to Laura's to pick up Zai after work and he come running into my arms He is there. He is constant, never changing. He is there with me during the bad times just as He is there during the times when I feel so happy that my heart could bust. So from here on out when I post about something dark and ugly, please remember this post and know that I would not be here without Christ. He has carried me, loved me through my ugliness, forgiven me, and blessed me with my beautiful life, husband, and kids. My God has never changed even when I have bounced all over the place dealing with loosing Chase. My God is faithful.
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