The Darkest Part of Night

I know it's been awhile since I posted last.  I've been having a hard time sorting through my emotions.  Spring and especially around Easter is such a hard time for Isaiah and I.  It was around this time that the shock of losing Chase started to wear off and I fell into a dark depression.  I still feel sad around this time.  This was the first holiday that I completely understood we would not ever get to celebrate with Chase.  But praise God that sadness is nothing compared to the darkness I felt on that first Easter.

When I look back over my life I think depression is something that I've always struggled with.  I would be doing great and things would be good and the smallest change in anything could make me close myself off.  I would become disinterested in things, tired, I wouldn't sleep well, and I felt like Eeyore.  Or my favorite- Negative Nancy.

After I lost Chase, this darkness was like nothing I've ever experienced.  I found it very difficult to focus.  I wanted to lay in the bed all day.  I was very irritable.  I didn't know how to interact with people.  Anytime I was in a crowd I felt the anxiety building up.  I had nightmares almost every night.  I was completely exhausted. I didn't even have the energy to cry. Worst of all I started having major suicidal thoughts.

At work it was always my job to take the mail out in the mornings and put it in the mailbox.  For those of you who don't know Y-12 if right in front of a four lane road.  One morning as I was walking to the mailbox I thought how easy it would be to keep on going.  How easily I could walk right out into the oncoming traffic and go home to be with my Chase.  It was only by God's loving protection of me that I didn't that day.  As I look back I realize how horrific that thought is.  It almost feels embarrassing for me to open up and tell this. I'm sure right now you are thinking "Where was your faith?"  "Where was your trust in God?"  "Did you not realize that Chase was in a better place?"

Now that I am out of that darkness I look back and realize that was the time that I felt so mad at God.  I questioned Him. Why would you take Chase away from us?  He was loved and had a good family, why take him?  There are so many other children out there with horrible families, but instead of them you took Chase. Right around this time I had a girl come into the credit union.  She was around six months pregnant and  was telling me how her other child had recently been taken away from her and her husband because of molestation charges.  She flat out told me this!!  I went to the back and cried and cried.  I couldn't understand why.

Easter Sunday came and I was having a hard time.  Sunday mornings were always difficult because Isaiah took Kiersten early with him and I had Chase.  I loved dressing him up on Sunday mornings.  During Sunday school that morning Ralton was talking about how God gave His Son to pay for our sins. How by Jesus' death and resurrection our sins were paid for.  Through all my years in church I've heard this a million times.  I've witnessed to others and told them the same thing.  I've taught it to my Sunday School classes and children's church.  But hearing it that Sunday morning made something click inside of me.  I cried.

After months of feeling so alone and misunderstood, I realized that none understood like God did.  He knew better than anyone what it felt like to watch His son die.  He watched as He was tortured, beaten, spit upon, laughed at, called names, and so much more. And he did all of this so that on November 24, 2009 when my sweet boy took his last breath He could welcome Chase into heaven.  I realized that he wasn't being mean to me.  What He did wasn't unfair.  Chase was never mine to begin with.  Before eternity God knew that my little Chase would be born on August 2, 2009 and he would only live to be 114 days old.  He planned this.  He sent His son to come and die to pay for my sweet Chase's sin and my sin so that one day we can spend eternity together praising His sweet name!

I still have those days where I want to curl up in bed and cry.  I miss Chase.  BUT, the Lord rescued me from the darkest of the night and showed me that joy does indeed come in the morning.