It seems like the past forever has been miserable. I've let anger, bitterness, depression, hate, jealously, and numerous other evils take root and spread in my heart like ugly weeds. I've wallowed in my sadness and felt pity for myself and jealously and anger toward others. I've put on a "happy" face and a fake "Christian" attitude and tried to wear it around to the best of my ability so other's couldn't see the horrible ugliness inside of my heart.
Even before I lost Chase I harbored anger, bitterness, and depression. It didn't take much for me to let myself get in a tizzy over something very little. I've often tried to reason with myself and justify my feelings instead of listening to the still quiet voice telling me that it was wrong. That I was wrong. Finally, I resisted so much and pushed so hard that I finally let my heart grow cold and hard. Then I lost Chase.
The following months after Chase's death I felt so incredibly close to God. I started praying again and reading scripture. Then I let myself slip into a horrible depression. I quit praying and reading my Bible. My anger that I loved so much and held onto grew and grew and I started directing it toward God. I was angry that He let Chase die. Why do others seem to have such a wonderful life and I have to be sad and miserable every day. When my "happy" face and "Christian" attitude would slip and others could see my ugly heart I would think I have a reason to be angry, hurt, bitter, depressed, jealous. I've lost my son. It's ok for me to feel these feelings because I've had to endure the worst thing anyone could experience- loosing their child. I'm so ashamed that I've used the death of my child to harbor and give a reason for the ugliness inside of me. It absolute breaks me to know this.
Praise His wonderful name that He didn't give up on me. He could see these things inside of me and is now painfully helping me pull the weeds out of my heart. It's always awesome,amazing, and to be truthful very scary how God convicts.
Fear is a constant presence in my life. I'm scared of everything. After the loss of Chase my fear has run rampant. I'm always scared of loosing someone else that I love, but I am TERRIFIED of something happening to my children. I wanted to put them in a bubble and always keep them close. For the past several months I have felt my fear changing. It went from being scared of everything (and not even thinking about God) to always thinking about God and being scared about what He thinks of me. My sin was constantly on the front of my mind. I knew what God thought about the way I am living and He is not pleased. I knew that all I needed to do was to turn to Him and repent, but for whatever reason I still wanted to cling to the ugliness.
This past Tuesday Isaiah and I went out on a date and went to see the movie Gravity. ***** Spoiler Alert******Sandra Bullock plays a character that lost her young daughter. She was playing on the playground on the monkey bars when she, fell, hit her head, and died.***** After the movie on the way home Isaiah and I were talking about how we didn't really like to movie because it hit so close to home. I was saying that I hated how the movie gave me a new fear to think about with the kids when he said how he feels sorry for that character. She didn't believe in God. She didn't have anything to put her hope in. She didn't know God's mercy and grace. She lived her life stuck in a very sad place and was completely miserable. What a eye opener!!! Here I am stuck in the same rut. The difference is that I know that place of peace and joy. I know that place exist and how to get there! Right there I prayed and asked for God's forgiveness. I told Him how I was so very sorry and how I desperately want to be a Godly wife, mother, friend, daughter, employee, everything! I want to love like He does. I want to have my compassion and love toward others restored. I want to tell everyone about His goodness! I want to be able to use the death of my son in the way God intended. I want it to show God's glory and goodness!
The peace I have again is something I have missed for so long. My heart feels light and my burdens feel gone. I know the battle isn't over. I know that it will be a daily fight to live how I am supposed to and I'm sure there will be times when I fall. I know satan will try to stir up the anger, fear, and other ugliness that I so desperately want to weed out. But, this time I will not try and fight alone. I will let God lead me.
Fear is a constant presence in my life. I'm scared of everything. After the loss of Chase my fear has run rampant. I'm always scared of loosing someone else that I love, but I am TERRIFIED of something happening to my children. I wanted to put them in a bubble and always keep them close. For the past several months I have felt my fear changing. It went from being scared of everything (and not even thinking about God) to always thinking about God and being scared about what He thinks of me. My sin was constantly on the front of my mind. I knew what God thought about the way I am living and He is not pleased. I knew that all I needed to do was to turn to Him and repent, but for whatever reason I still wanted to cling to the ugliness.
This past Tuesday Isaiah and I went out on a date and went to see the movie Gravity. ***** Spoiler Alert******Sandra Bullock plays a character that lost her young daughter. She was playing on the playground on the monkey bars when she, fell, hit her head, and died.***** After the movie on the way home Isaiah and I were talking about how we didn't really like to movie because it hit so close to home. I was saying that I hated how the movie gave me a new fear to think about with the kids when he said how he feels sorry for that character. She didn't believe in God. She didn't have anything to put her hope in. She didn't know God's mercy and grace. She lived her life stuck in a very sad place and was completely miserable. What a eye opener!!! Here I am stuck in the same rut. The difference is that I know that place of peace and joy. I know that place exist and how to get there! Right there I prayed and asked for God's forgiveness. I told Him how I was so very sorry and how I desperately want to be a Godly wife, mother, friend, daughter, employee, everything! I want to love like He does. I want to have my compassion and love toward others restored. I want to tell everyone about His goodness! I want to be able to use the death of my son in the way God intended. I want it to show God's glory and goodness!
The peace I have again is something I have missed for so long. My heart feels light and my burdens feel gone. I know the battle isn't over. I know that it will be a daily fight to live how I am supposed to and I'm sure there will be times when I fall. I know satan will try to stir up the anger, fear, and other ugliness that I so desperately want to weed out. But, this time I will not try and fight alone. I will let God lead me.
