I know it's been awhile since I posted last. I've been having a hard time sorting through my emotions. Spring and especially around Easter is such a hard time for Isaiah and I. It was around this time that the shock of losing Chase started to wear off and I fell into a dark depression. I still feel sad around this time. This was the first holiday that I completely understood we would not ever get to celebrate with Chase. But praise God that sadness is nothing compared to the darkness I felt on that first Easter.
When I look back over my life I think depression is something that I've always struggled with. I would be doing great and things would be good and the smallest change in anything could make me close myself off. I would become disinterested in things, tired, I wouldn't sleep well, and I felt like Eeyore. Or my favorite- Negative Nancy.
After I lost Chase, this darkness was like nothing I've ever experienced. I found it very difficult to focus. I wanted to lay in the bed all day. I was very irritable. I didn't know how to interact with people. Anytime I was in a crowd I felt the anxiety building up. I had nightmares almost every night. I was completely exhausted. I didn't even have the energy to cry. Worst of all I started having major suicidal thoughts.
At work it was always my job to take the mail out in the mornings and put it in the mailbox. For those of you who don't know Y-12 if right in front of a four lane road. One morning as I was walking to the mailbox I thought how easy it would be to keep on going. How easily I could walk right out into the oncoming traffic and go home to be with my Chase. It was only by God's loving protection of me that I didn't that day. As I look back I realize how horrific that thought is. It almost feels embarrassing for me to open up and tell this. I'm sure right now you are thinking "Where was your faith?" "Where was your trust in God?" "Did you not realize that Chase was in a better place?"
Now that I am out of that darkness I look back and realize that was the time that I felt so mad at God. I questioned Him. Why would you take Chase away from us? He was loved and had a good family, why take him? There are so many other children out there with horrible families, but instead of them you took Chase. Right around this time I had a girl come into the credit union. She was around six months pregnant and was telling me how her other child had recently been taken away from her and her husband because of molestation charges. She flat out told me this!! I went to the back and cried and cried. I couldn't understand why.
Easter Sunday came and I was having a hard time. Sunday mornings were always difficult because Isaiah took Kiersten early with him and I had Chase. I loved dressing him up on Sunday mornings. During Sunday school that morning Ralton was talking about how God gave His Son to pay for our sins. How by Jesus' death and resurrection our sins were paid for. Through all my years in church I've heard this a million times. I've witnessed to others and told them the same thing. I've taught it to my Sunday School classes and children's church. But hearing it that Sunday morning made something click inside of me. I cried.
After months of feeling so alone and misunderstood, I realized that none understood like God did. He knew better than anyone what it felt like to watch His son die. He watched as He was tortured, beaten, spit upon, laughed at, called names, and so much more. And he did all of this so that on November 24, 2009 when my sweet boy took his last breath He could welcome Chase into heaven. I realized that he wasn't being mean to me. What He did wasn't unfair. Chase was never mine to begin with. Before eternity God knew that my little Chase would be born on August 2, 2009 and he would only live to be 114 days old. He planned this. He sent His son to come and die to pay for my sweet Chase's sin and my sin so that one day we can spend eternity together praising His sweet name!
I still have those days where I want to curl up in bed and cry. I miss Chase. BUT, the Lord rescued me from the darkest of the night and showed me that joy does indeed come in the morning.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
From One Day to the Next
November 24, 2009. To many people this date is just another day, there isn't anything special about it. To me, this day means everything. This was the day my heart was shattered into a billion pieces.
November 24, 2009 started out a little differently. Normally, Chase woke up around 5:30-6 and I got up with him, fed him, rocked him, and laid him back down. That morning I was feeling a little yuck so Isaiah got up and did all the things I normally did with him. I got up a little later, took my shower, put on my makeup, fixed my hair, and put on my burgundy turtleneck sweater, black dress pants, and black boots. When I came into the living room Isaiah had already put Chase in his car seat and was ready to take him and Kiersten to Mandy's. I wanted so bad to get him out and hug him, but I didn't. I thought Isaiah is ready to go and I'll see him this afternoon. Instead, I gave him a kiss and hugged and kissed Kiersten and they left. I've never uttered this to a single person, but on my way to work I thought what if something happens and I didn't hold him. I then quickly thought everything will be fine and I'll see him when I get home.
Work was normal. It was a Tuesday so we weren't that busy. I had only been back for 20 days. Everyday I missed so much being on maternity leave. I loved being at home with my babies. Around 11:30 Mandy had called me because Kiersten had pooped in the potty and wanted to tell me. She was so excited! We had been working with her for a couple of months and she would pee fine, but was scared to go #2. We had bought her some things from the Disney Store and had hung them up in the bathroom telling her that she could have them when she pooped in the potty. She wanted to ask me if she would get her present when we got home. :) I called Isaiah to to tell him and we debated about taking it to her on my lunch break, but decided against it.
Later that day, Gerry had asked me to run to Lowe's to pick up some Christmas lights because we were going to decorate the credit union after work. As I was pulling in Isaiah called me excited about a job offer that he had just received. If he took this job I would be able to stay at home with Kiersten and Chase. I was so excited I could hardly contain myself! The though of getting to stay at home was the best thing ever! It was about 4:30 when I got back and I couldn't wait to tell Amber and Renee. I was standing at my station talking to Gerry when the phone rang. I glanced at the clock before I answered it and it was 5. As I answered I went through my spill Y-12 Federal Credit Union this is Brittany how can I help you and the lady answered back this is (I can't remember her name) with dispatch and I need to speak to Brittany Ruffner. The first thing that went through my head was that we were being robbed. I looked around and didn't see anything suspicious and told her that I was speaking. She told me that I needed to get to Mandy's house right away. I asked her what was wrong. She said that they couldn't tell me over the phone, and I said please tell me whats wrong. Her exact words were, "I'm so sorry. Jessica called 911. Chase isn't breathing." I hung up the phone and ran.
As I was almost to the car, Susan was coming around the front and she said that she would drive. I handed her the keys and got in. My head was spinning and all I felt was complete terror. I look back and am so thankful for Susan driving me. There is no way I could have driven myself. I was a wreck. As we were pulling out I called Isaiah. He had happened to work from home that day and was closer than I was to Mandy's. I told him about the call and he left right away. The whole way there I prayed and I prayed. In my heart I already knew that everything wasn't going to be ok. I already knew that he wasn't going to make it.
When we pulled in the ambulance was there and they were loading Chase up. I jumped out of the car and ran to him. When I saw him his appearance confirmed what I was so afraid of. They had been and were still doing cpr on him and told us that they were going to Fort Loudoun Medical Center in Lenoir City. We hopped in the Explorer and followed. On the way I called my mom and Isaiah called his parents and Brother Paul. Then we prayed and prayed and prayed. I kept telling God, "I know you raised Lazarus from the dead and you can do it again." I can still close my eyes and feel the lights from the ambulance flashing across my face. I don't think I will ever forget that feeling.
When we got there we jumped out and ran to where they were unloading Chase. The emt's were still doing cpr. A lady took us and put us in a room by ourselves to wait only confirming my fear. I kept thinking why else would they put us in a room by ourselves. Soon after we got in there the chaplain come to talk to us. He prayed with us and asked us if he could get us anything, then the hospital administrator also came to talk to us. I believe they were trying to prepare us for what would come later. My dad showed up next. I can still see my daddy standing up against the wall with his hands in his pockets trying to look brave for me. My dad's presence there meant so much to me. He helped calm me. Next, it was Brother Paul, Darrell and Caleb, and the rest of the family. It felt as if hours had passed when the doctors, a lady and man, came in. One look at her face and I knew what she was going to say. I begged her. No, no, no, no please don't say what I know. She knelt down and told me that she was so sorry they did all they could do. I slid out of the chair on my knees, she hugged me, and I cried.
They asked if we wanted to see him. I said yes. They offered to bring me a wheelchair and I declined. I wanted to walk to my son. He was laying on the hospital bed wrapped up in a white blanket with tubes still coming out of his mouth. He looked like he was peacefully sleeping. She picked him up and handed him to me and I held and hugged him. His face already felt cold so I wrapped him up tighter and held my face to his. It felt so important that I try to keep him warm. Right after I had him he was so little that I was always afraid of him getting cold at night so I would wrap him up in his blanket. As I was holding and rocking him the strangest feeling came over me. I was calm. I knew he was ok. I knew as I held his tiny shell that he was in heaven experiencing the wonderful goodness of being in God's presence. I knew Jesus had him. I knew at that moment that God wrapped me up in His love and peace. He was holding me and telling me that it was ok.
After everyone had come in and said their goodbye's it was time to leave him. Brother Paul had asked if we wanted him to step out and we said no. I am so thankful for our wonderful pastor. He was the peace and calm throughout all of this (as was his wonderful family). He always knew exactly what to say and do at the perfect time. I asked him if he thought Chase was a baby in heaven. He replied, "I don't think so. That wouldn't be very fun would it?" I smiled. This exchange made me able to put Chase down and leave him.
It was time to leave my baby boy. Darrell went out to pull our car around for us and the battery was dead. When we pulled in we jumped out without turning the lights off. I think my dad and papaw went out to jump start it and Darrell drove us home. Isaiah sat in the back with me and we just held each other. All I could think about was how Chase will never ride home with us again.
When we got home. I went to his bedroom and sat down in front of his bed. I still felt that overwhelming sense of God's peace surrounding me. I know there were so many that were praying for us and words cannot express the thanks for those sweet prayers. All of our family came back home with us and stayed with us for a little while. Midway played Kingston that night at Kingston and after the game Rob Viar and Thomas came by. Later I found out how they had a moment of silence for my family at the game and how the boys broke to Chase's name. This still brings tears to my eyes. I was still in Chase's room with Darcy, mom, and Lindsey and Rob came in and sat down beside me. It meant so much that that they stopped by.
After everyone left it was just Isaiah and I. That night Kiersen stayed with one of the grandparents. I can't remember if it was Isaiah's parents or mine. We were so exhausted we went to bed. Finally after drifting off to sleep I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I had heard Chase make a noise. I took a minute to realize that it wasn't him. That I had imagined it. That I would never hear him again. Then came the first of many panic attacks that I would have.
November 24, 2009 As I woke up that morning I never imagined that November 25, 2009 would be so different.
I felt that it was important for those of you who read my blog and don't know my family and I to know what happened. I want you to know the background information for my future post. When I'm writing about a particular emotion or feeling I want you to be able to look back to this and possibly understand why that feeling was there.
November 24, 2009 started out a little differently. Normally, Chase woke up around 5:30-6 and I got up with him, fed him, rocked him, and laid him back down. That morning I was feeling a little yuck so Isaiah got up and did all the things I normally did with him. I got up a little later, took my shower, put on my makeup, fixed my hair, and put on my burgundy turtleneck sweater, black dress pants, and black boots. When I came into the living room Isaiah had already put Chase in his car seat and was ready to take him and Kiersten to Mandy's. I wanted so bad to get him out and hug him, but I didn't. I thought Isaiah is ready to go and I'll see him this afternoon. Instead, I gave him a kiss and hugged and kissed Kiersten and they left. I've never uttered this to a single person, but on my way to work I thought what if something happens and I didn't hold him. I then quickly thought everything will be fine and I'll see him when I get home.
Work was normal. It was a Tuesday so we weren't that busy. I had only been back for 20 days. Everyday I missed so much being on maternity leave. I loved being at home with my babies. Around 11:30 Mandy had called me because Kiersten had pooped in the potty and wanted to tell me. She was so excited! We had been working with her for a couple of months and she would pee fine, but was scared to go #2. We had bought her some things from the Disney Store and had hung them up in the bathroom telling her that she could have them when she pooped in the potty. She wanted to ask me if she would get her present when we got home. :) I called Isaiah to to tell him and we debated about taking it to her on my lunch break, but decided against it.
Later that day, Gerry had asked me to run to Lowe's to pick up some Christmas lights because we were going to decorate the credit union after work. As I was pulling in Isaiah called me excited about a job offer that he had just received. If he took this job I would be able to stay at home with Kiersten and Chase. I was so excited I could hardly contain myself! The though of getting to stay at home was the best thing ever! It was about 4:30 when I got back and I couldn't wait to tell Amber and Renee. I was standing at my station talking to Gerry when the phone rang. I glanced at the clock before I answered it and it was 5. As I answered I went through my spill Y-12 Federal Credit Union this is Brittany how can I help you and the lady answered back this is (I can't remember her name) with dispatch and I need to speak to Brittany Ruffner. The first thing that went through my head was that we were being robbed. I looked around and didn't see anything suspicious and told her that I was speaking. She told me that I needed to get to Mandy's house right away. I asked her what was wrong. She said that they couldn't tell me over the phone, and I said please tell me whats wrong. Her exact words were, "I'm so sorry. Jessica called 911. Chase isn't breathing." I hung up the phone and ran.
As I was almost to the car, Susan was coming around the front and she said that she would drive. I handed her the keys and got in. My head was spinning and all I felt was complete terror. I look back and am so thankful for Susan driving me. There is no way I could have driven myself. I was a wreck. As we were pulling out I called Isaiah. He had happened to work from home that day and was closer than I was to Mandy's. I told him about the call and he left right away. The whole way there I prayed and I prayed. In my heart I already knew that everything wasn't going to be ok. I already knew that he wasn't going to make it.
When we pulled in the ambulance was there and they were loading Chase up. I jumped out of the car and ran to him. When I saw him his appearance confirmed what I was so afraid of. They had been and were still doing cpr on him and told us that they were going to Fort Loudoun Medical Center in Lenoir City. We hopped in the Explorer and followed. On the way I called my mom and Isaiah called his parents and Brother Paul. Then we prayed and prayed and prayed. I kept telling God, "I know you raised Lazarus from the dead and you can do it again." I can still close my eyes and feel the lights from the ambulance flashing across my face. I don't think I will ever forget that feeling.
When we got there we jumped out and ran to where they were unloading Chase. The emt's were still doing cpr. A lady took us and put us in a room by ourselves to wait only confirming my fear. I kept thinking why else would they put us in a room by ourselves. Soon after we got in there the chaplain come to talk to us. He prayed with us and asked us if he could get us anything, then the hospital administrator also came to talk to us. I believe they were trying to prepare us for what would come later. My dad showed up next. I can still see my daddy standing up against the wall with his hands in his pockets trying to look brave for me. My dad's presence there meant so much to me. He helped calm me. Next, it was Brother Paul, Darrell and Caleb, and the rest of the family. It felt as if hours had passed when the doctors, a lady and man, came in. One look at her face and I knew what she was going to say. I begged her. No, no, no, no please don't say what I know. She knelt down and told me that she was so sorry they did all they could do. I slid out of the chair on my knees, she hugged me, and I cried.
They asked if we wanted to see him. I said yes. They offered to bring me a wheelchair and I declined. I wanted to walk to my son. He was laying on the hospital bed wrapped up in a white blanket with tubes still coming out of his mouth. He looked like he was peacefully sleeping. She picked him up and handed him to me and I held and hugged him. His face already felt cold so I wrapped him up tighter and held my face to his. It felt so important that I try to keep him warm. Right after I had him he was so little that I was always afraid of him getting cold at night so I would wrap him up in his blanket. As I was holding and rocking him the strangest feeling came over me. I was calm. I knew he was ok. I knew as I held his tiny shell that he was in heaven experiencing the wonderful goodness of being in God's presence. I knew Jesus had him. I knew at that moment that God wrapped me up in His love and peace. He was holding me and telling me that it was ok.
After everyone had come in and said their goodbye's it was time to leave him. Brother Paul had asked if we wanted him to step out and we said no. I am so thankful for our wonderful pastor. He was the peace and calm throughout all of this (as was his wonderful family). He always knew exactly what to say and do at the perfect time. I asked him if he thought Chase was a baby in heaven. He replied, "I don't think so. That wouldn't be very fun would it?" I smiled. This exchange made me able to put Chase down and leave him.
It was time to leave my baby boy. Darrell went out to pull our car around for us and the battery was dead. When we pulled in we jumped out without turning the lights off. I think my dad and papaw went out to jump start it and Darrell drove us home. Isaiah sat in the back with me and we just held each other. All I could think about was how Chase will never ride home with us again.
When we got home. I went to his bedroom and sat down in front of his bed. I still felt that overwhelming sense of God's peace surrounding me. I know there were so many that were praying for us and words cannot express the thanks for those sweet prayers. All of our family came back home with us and stayed with us for a little while. Midway played Kingston that night at Kingston and after the game Rob Viar and Thomas came by. Later I found out how they had a moment of silence for my family at the game and how the boys broke to Chase's name. This still brings tears to my eyes. I was still in Chase's room with Darcy, mom, and Lindsey and Rob came in and sat down beside me. It meant so much that that they stopped by.
After everyone left it was just Isaiah and I. That night Kiersen stayed with one of the grandparents. I can't remember if it was Isaiah's parents or mine. We were so exhausted we went to bed. Finally after drifting off to sleep I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I had heard Chase make a noise. I took a minute to realize that it wasn't him. That I had imagined it. That I would never hear him again. Then came the first of many panic attacks that I would have.
November 24, 2009 As I woke up that morning I never imagined that November 25, 2009 would be so different.
I felt that it was important for those of you who read my blog and don't know my family and I to know what happened. I want you to know the background information for my future post. When I'm writing about a particular emotion or feeling I want you to be able to look back to this and possibly understand why that feeling was there.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Back to the Beginning
I've debated back and forth about where I should start. Should I jump into the heart of things? Should I go back to my childhood and begin from there? Should I start from the day Isaiah and I got married? etc, etc, etc... I feel like there are so many moments in my life that have shaped and define me and made me into who I am today. They are a part of me and explain why I have had different reactions to different things during my grieving process. I have decided to deal with these things and explain them as they come. Right now I want to tell a happy story about two young people who met and fell in love. :) Doesn't that sound so cliche?
I can still remember the first time I saw Isaiah. My parents and I had just started coming to Shiloh and we decided to come to the Christmas Bash they held every year. The Christmas Bash was a fun get together where everyone brought pot luck food and after there were several different skits and fun things. I remember sitting there next to Brittanie Viar having a good time when a band was introduced to come play. I looked up and there he was. He had a blue hat on that was turned around backwards, a white t-shirt, and jeans and it was love at first sight! Well, maybe not love but I sure thought he was hott stuff! I couldn't work up the nerve to go up and talk to him that night so I didn't, and besides I had a boyfriend at the time. So, time went on and finally he noticed me that summer during one of our youth led services when I gave my testimony. So, this led to this and that lead to that and thanks to my wonderful "future" sis-in-law (Darcy Patton :)) we were teaching Bible school together! Our first date was July 2, 2002, he popped the question in July of 2004 (on the beach at sunset), and we were married on December 17, 2005.
Our first kiss as a married couple!!
One of the happiest days of my life!!
We were like any young married couple. Except, I really feel like he got the short end of the stick. He was (notice I use was in past tense :)) very neat and organized and I was a complete mess. I am so embarrassed to say this but I didn't even know how to start the washing machine!!! You can forget about cooking. I had no idea what I was doing in the kitchen. I remember one time I was frying hamburger meat and I had the eye turned up to eight, the meat was getting scorched, and Isaiah ran in and turned it down. I was so embarrassed. I still remember thinking, "I bet he wishes he hadn't married me. I know he has to be afraid he'll starve to death." Needless to say, I've come a very, very long way from what I was. I've actually become a pretty good cook. At least that's what he says. :) So, there's the way shortened version of how Isaiah and I came to be man and wife.
By the grace of God our lives were fused together as one and we began heading down the "road of life" hand in hand. I have been through so many mixed emotions after the death of Chase and satan has really used some of those thoughts and feelings to burden me and hold me down. I have several times thought back to our wedding day and questioned God and wondered why he would bring us together to travel such a painful road. I have wondered if Isaiah knew what would happen if he would have still married me, or would I have married him? Would that have saved us from this horrible heartbreak? Satan tried to use these things to get in my mind and destroy my trust in God and my marriage. One of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 29:11 and it says, " For I know the plans I have toward you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." There it is in that one verse. Loosing Chase was not to harm me. In fact, God plans to give me a hope and a future. So many times when I had those horrible thoughts this verse would come to mind, and it was God telling me it's ok, I have a wonderful future for you. You are my child. I love you so much that I sent my one and only Son to die a horrible death upon the cross to take away your sin. You have hope. You have a wonderful future. You will spend eternity with me in heaven and never have to say goodbye to your baby Chase again. What wonderful promises we have in Jesus. Thank you God for loving me. I share those thoughts to say this. When you are broken hearted and burdened I believe that is one of satans favorite times to throw those ugly, mean, and nasty thoughts at you. That is the time to make sure that you have on your belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, shield of faith, helmet of salvation, sandals of readiness, and sword of the Spirit (God's word) because satan will try to wage a war for your mind. (Ephesians 6:10-18) He's tried to win mine, but praise His wonderful name, I serve a almighty, wonderful, awesome God that has not left me alone and helpless. He has armed me and protects me.
By the grace of God our lives were fused together as one and we began heading down the "road of life" hand in hand. I have been through so many mixed emotions after the death of Chase and satan has really used some of those thoughts and feelings to burden me and hold me down. I have several times thought back to our wedding day and questioned God and wondered why he would bring us together to travel such a painful road. I have wondered if Isaiah knew what would happen if he would have still married me, or would I have married him? Would that have saved us from this horrible heartbreak? Satan tried to use these things to get in my mind and destroy my trust in God and my marriage. One of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 29:11 and it says, " For I know the plans I have toward you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." There it is in that one verse. Loosing Chase was not to harm me. In fact, God plans to give me a hope and a future. So many times when I had those horrible thoughts this verse would come to mind, and it was God telling me it's ok, I have a wonderful future for you. You are my child. I love you so much that I sent my one and only Son to die a horrible death upon the cross to take away your sin. You have hope. You have a wonderful future. You will spend eternity with me in heaven and never have to say goodbye to your baby Chase again. What wonderful promises we have in Jesus. Thank you God for loving me. I share those thoughts to say this. When you are broken hearted and burdened I believe that is one of satans favorite times to throw those ugly, mean, and nasty thoughts at you. That is the time to make sure that you have on your belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, shield of faith, helmet of salvation, sandals of readiness, and sword of the Spirit (God's word) because satan will try to wage a war for your mind. (Ephesians 6:10-18) He's tried to win mine, but praise His wonderful name, I serve a almighty, wonderful, awesome God that has not left me alone and helpless. He has armed me and protects me.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Starting Out
Hello everyone! I am super nervous about starting this blog! I am a "newbie" in every way! I've never had a blog before and am not super familiar with them, so hang with me as I learn how to navigate. Also, I very nervous about opening myself up and talking about my experiences. As I sit here and type this I am nervously shaking!! I have never truly shared my story with others, besides Isaiah and my mom, and I want to be raw and real with you. So, all of that to say that prayers would be very appreciated as I start this journey!
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