November 24, 2009. To many people this date is just another day, there isn't anything special about it. To me, this day means everything. This was the day my heart was shattered into a billion pieces.
November 24, 2009 started out a little differently. Normally, Chase woke up around 5:30-6 and I got up with him, fed him, rocked him, and laid him back down. That morning I was feeling a little yuck so Isaiah got up and did all the things I normally did with him. I got up a little later, took my shower, put on my makeup, fixed my hair, and put on my burgundy turtleneck sweater, black dress pants, and black boots. When I came into the living room Isaiah had already put Chase in his car seat and was ready to take him and Kiersten to Mandy's. I wanted so bad to get him out and hug him, but I didn't. I thought Isaiah is ready to go and I'll see him this afternoon. Instead, I gave him a kiss and hugged and kissed Kiersten and they left. I've never uttered this to a single person, but on my way to work I thought what if something happens and I didn't hold him. I then quickly thought everything will be fine and I'll see him when I get home.
Work was normal. It was a Tuesday so we weren't that busy. I had only been back for 20 days. Everyday I missed so much being on maternity leave. I loved being at home with my babies. Around 11:30 Mandy had called me because Kiersten had pooped in the potty and wanted to tell me. She was so excited! We had been working with her for a couple of months and she would pee fine, but was scared to go #2. We had bought her some things from the Disney Store and had hung them up in the bathroom telling her that she could have them when she pooped in the potty. She wanted to ask me if she would get her present when we got home. :) I called Isaiah to to tell him and we debated about taking it to her on my lunch break, but decided against it.
Later that day, Gerry had asked me to run to Lowe's to pick up some Christmas lights because we were going to decorate the credit union after work. As I was pulling in Isaiah called me excited about a job offer that he had just received. If he took this job I would be able to stay at home with Kiersten and Chase. I was so excited I could hardly contain myself! The though of getting to stay at home was the best thing ever! It was about 4:30 when I got back and I couldn't wait to tell Amber and Renee. I was standing at my station talking to Gerry when the phone rang. I glanced at the clock before I answered it and it was 5. As I answered I went through my spill Y-12 Federal Credit Union this is Brittany how can I help you and the lady answered back this is (I can't remember her name) with dispatch and I need to speak to Brittany Ruffner. The first thing that went through my head was that we were being robbed. I looked around and didn't see anything suspicious and told her that I was speaking. She told me that I needed to get to Mandy's house right away. I asked her what was wrong. She said that they couldn't tell me over the phone, and I said please tell me whats wrong. Her exact words were, "I'm so sorry. Jessica called 911. Chase isn't breathing." I hung up the phone and ran.
As I was almost to the car, Susan was coming around the front and she said that she would drive. I handed her the keys and got in. My head was spinning and all I felt was complete terror. I look back and am so thankful for Susan driving me. There is no way I could have driven myself. I was a wreck. As we were pulling out I called Isaiah. He had happened to work from home that day and was closer than I was to Mandy's. I told him about the call and he left right away. The whole way there I prayed and I prayed. In my heart I already knew that everything wasn't going to be ok. I already knew that he wasn't going to make it.
When we pulled in the ambulance was there and they were loading Chase up. I jumped out of the car and ran to him. When I saw him his appearance confirmed what I was so afraid of. They had been and were still doing cpr on him and told us that they were going to Fort Loudoun Medical Center in Lenoir City. We hopped in the Explorer and followed. On the way I called my mom and Isaiah called his parents and Brother Paul. Then we prayed and prayed and prayed. I kept telling God, "I know you raised Lazarus from the dead and you can do it again." I can still close my eyes and feel the lights from the ambulance flashing across my face. I don't think I will ever forget that feeling.
When we got there we jumped out and ran to where they were unloading Chase. The emt's were still doing cpr. A lady took us and put us in a room by ourselves to wait only confirming my fear. I kept thinking why else would they put us in a room by ourselves. Soon after we got in there the chaplain come to talk to us. He prayed with us and asked us if he could get us anything, then the hospital administrator also came to talk to us. I believe they were trying to prepare us for what would come later. My dad showed up next. I can still see my daddy standing up against the wall with his hands in his pockets trying to look brave for me. My dad's presence there meant so much to me. He helped calm me. Next, it was Brother Paul, Darrell and Caleb, and the rest of the family. It felt as if hours had passed when the doctors, a lady and man, came in. One look at her face and I knew what she was going to say. I begged her. No, no, no, no please don't say what I know. She knelt down and told me that she was so sorry they did all they could do. I slid out of the chair on my knees, she hugged me, and I cried.
They asked if we wanted to see him. I said yes. They offered to bring me a wheelchair and I declined. I wanted to walk to my son. He was laying on the hospital bed wrapped up in a white blanket with tubes still coming out of his mouth. He looked like he was peacefully sleeping. She picked him up and handed him to me and I held and hugged him. His face already felt cold so I wrapped him up tighter and held my face to his. It felt so important that I try to keep him warm. Right after I had him he was so little that I was always afraid of him getting cold at night so I would wrap him up in his blanket. As I was holding and rocking him the strangest feeling came over me. I was calm. I knew he was ok. I knew as I held his tiny shell that he was in heaven experiencing the wonderful goodness of being in God's presence. I knew Jesus had him. I knew at that moment that God wrapped me up in His love and peace. He was holding me and telling me that it was ok.
After everyone had come in and said their goodbye's it was time to leave him. Brother Paul had asked if we wanted him to step out and we said no. I am so thankful for our wonderful pastor. He was the peace and calm throughout all of this (as was his wonderful family). He always knew exactly what to say and do at the perfect time. I asked him if he thought Chase was a baby in heaven. He replied, "I don't think so. That wouldn't be very fun would it?" I smiled. This exchange made me able to put Chase down and leave him.
It was time to leave my baby boy. Darrell went out to pull our car around for us and the battery was dead. When we pulled in we jumped out without turning the lights off. I think my dad and papaw went out to jump start it and Darrell drove us home. Isaiah sat in the back with me and we just held each other. All I could think about was how Chase will never ride home with us again.
When we got home. I went to his bedroom and sat down in front of his bed. I still felt that overwhelming sense of God's peace surrounding me. I know there were so many that were praying for us and words cannot express the thanks for those sweet prayers. All of our family came back home with us and stayed with us for a little while. Midway played Kingston that night at Kingston and after the game Rob Viar and Thomas came by. Later I found out how they had a moment of silence for my family at the game and how the boys broke to Chase's name. This still brings tears to my eyes. I was still in Chase's room with Darcy, mom, and Lindsey and Rob came in and sat down beside me. It meant so much that that they stopped by.
After everyone left it was just Isaiah and I. That night Kiersen stayed with one of the grandparents. I can't remember if it was Isaiah's parents or mine. We were so exhausted we went to bed. Finally after drifting off to sleep I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I had heard Chase make a noise. I took a minute to realize that it wasn't him. That I had imagined it. That I would never hear him again. Then came the first of many panic attacks that I would have.
November 24, 2009 As I woke up that morning I never imagined that November 25, 2009 would be so different.
I felt that it was important for those of you who read my blog and don't know my family and I to know what happened. I want you to know the background information for my future post. When I'm writing about a particular emotion or feeling I want you to be able to look back to this and possibly understand why that feeling was there.
