The broken heart now restored

As I look around at all of the people in my life I think the majority of them are experiencing some sort of trial.  My heart aches and breaks for them.  This feeling is new again to me and I am so grateful for it.  Let me explain.

It seems like the past forever has been miserable.  I've let anger, bitterness, depression, hate, jealously, and numerous other evils take root and spread in my heart like ugly weeds.  I've wallowed in my sadness and felt pity for myself and jealously and anger toward others.  I've put on a "happy" face and a fake "Christian" attitude and tried to wear it around to the best of my ability so other's couldn't see the horrible ugliness inside of my heart.

Even before I lost Chase I harbored anger, bitterness, and depression.  It didn't take much for me to let myself get in a tizzy over something very little.  I've often tried to reason with myself and justify my feelings instead of listening to the still quiet voice telling me that it was wrong.  That I was wrong. Finally, I resisted so much and pushed so hard that I finally let my heart grow cold and hard.  Then I lost Chase.  

The following months after Chase's death I felt so incredibly close to God.  I started praying again and reading scripture.  Then I let myself slip into a horrible depression.  I quit praying and reading my Bible.  My anger that I loved so much and held onto grew and grew and I started directing it toward God. I was angry that He let Chase die.  Why do others seem to have such a wonderful life and I have to be sad and miserable every day.  When my "happy" face and "Christian" attitude would slip and others could see my ugly heart I would think I have a reason to be angry, hurt, bitter, depressed, jealous. I've lost my son.  It's ok for me to feel these feelings because I've had to endure the worst thing anyone could experience- loosing their child.  I'm so ashamed that I've used the death of my child to harbor and give a reason for the ugliness inside of me. It absolute breaks me to know this.

Praise His wonderful name that He didn't give up on me.  He could see these things inside of me and is now painfully helping me pull the weeds out of my heart. It's always awesome,amazing, and to be truthful very scary how God convicts.

Fear is a constant presence in my life.  I'm scared of everything.  After the loss of Chase my fear has run rampant.  I'm always scared of loosing someone else that I love, but I am TERRIFIED of something happening to my children.  I wanted to put them in a bubble and always keep them close.  For the past several months I have felt my fear changing.  It went from being scared of everything (and not even thinking about God) to always thinking about God and being scared about what He thinks of me.  My sin was constantly on the front of my mind.  I knew what God thought about the way I am living and He is not pleased.  I knew that all I needed to do was to turn to Him and repent, but for whatever reason I still wanted to cling to the ugliness.

This past Tuesday Isaiah and I went out on a date and went to see the movie Gravity.   ***** Spoiler Alert******Sandra Bullock plays a character that lost her young daughter.  She was playing on the playground on the monkey bars when she, fell, hit her head, and died.*****  After the movie on the way home Isaiah and I were talking about how we didn't really like to movie because it hit so close to home.  I was saying that I hated how the movie gave me a new fear to think about with the kids when he said how he feels sorry for that character.  She didn't believe in God.  She didn't have anything to put her hope in.  She didn't know God's mercy and grace.  She lived her life stuck in a very sad place and was completely miserable.  What a eye opener!!!  Here I am stuck in the same rut.  The difference is that I know that place of peace and joy.   I know that place exist and how to get there!  Right there I prayed and asked for God's forgiveness.  I told Him how I was so very sorry and how I desperately want to be a Godly wife, mother, friend, daughter, employee, everything!  I want to love like He does.  I want to have my compassion and love toward others restored.  I want to tell everyone about His goodness!  I want to be able to use the death of my son in the way God intended.  I want it to show God's glory and goodness!

The peace I have again is something I have missed for so long.  My heart feels light and my burdens feel gone.  I know the battle isn't over.  I know that it will be a daily fight to live how I am supposed to and I'm sure there will be times when I fall.  I know satan will try to stir up the anger, fear, and other ugliness that I so desperately want to weed out.  But, this time I will not try and fight alone.  I will let God lead me.        

          

August 1st

All I've been able to think about today is how I should be rushing around to get everything together for Chase's birthday party tomorrow.  He would be four.  Would he have wanted a Spiderman birthday cake or Jake and the Neverland Pirates? What would he have wanted for his birthday? A new bike? A fishing pole so he could go fishing with papaw?  A baseball glove so he could learn to throw with daddy? My brown haired green eyed little boy should be bouncing around excited about his birthday tomorrow.  This year I probably would have had his first party where we invited all of his friends.

It hurts so  much to think about it.  His birthday is almost as bad as the day he passed away.  It should be a happy day, but it feels so sad.  His birthday always brings around the "what ifs".  I get lost in everything that should have been.

I don't really have anything to say other than tomorrow I covet your prayers for my family and myself.  It's been three years, eight months, and eight days since he's been gone and my heart still aches every minute of every day.  I so look forward to that day when we will be together again.

"Homesick" by Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye

And in Christ, there is no end

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again

To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

 

Long Time No Post

It's been awhile since my last post.  I've really struggled with this blog.  Sometimes the thought of opening up to others and sharing my feelings about my life without Chase is terrifying.  It's ugly, it's dark, it's depression, it's anger, it's rage, it's sorrow beyond sorrow, it's numbing, it's pain, it's a bleeding scarred heart beyond repair.  

The thing that worries me the most is that when I post about that ugly thing that others may see it as loosing my faith.  So, that's what I want to address in this post.  There has been times through this I have stepped away from God.  I have beat my fist against the ground in hurt and anger and yelled "Why Chase, why me, why my family?"  I have felt anger toward God that he took my sweet baby boy from me.  I have felt fury and rage when I see others that don't take care of their children get to keep theirs when our son whom we loved and would have given a beautiful life to was taken. (As I'm writing this a certain sweet 2 yr old climbs up in my lap for snuggles. :) Talk about God's love and grace!)  My point is, even though my road has been peppered with ugliness not once has God ever stepped away from me.  He has been the strong and steady rock that I lean upon and sometimes  (actually a lot of times) he carries me.  When I'm curled up on the floor weeping for Chase He is there.  When I am coaching third base and Kiersten is up to bat and she gets a awesome hit and scores us a run He is there.  When I get to Laura's to pick up Zai after work and he come running into my arms He is there. He is constant, never changing.  He is there with me during the bad times just as He is there during the times when I feel so happy that my heart could bust.  So from here on out when I post about something dark and ugly, please remember this post and know that I would not be here without Christ.  He has carried me, loved me through my ugliness, forgiven me, and blessed me with my beautiful life, husband, and kids. My God has never changed even when I have bounced all over the place dealing with loosing Chase.  My God is faithful. 

The Darkest Part of Night

I know it's been awhile since I posted last.  I've been having a hard time sorting through my emotions.  Spring and especially around Easter is such a hard time for Isaiah and I.  It was around this time that the shock of losing Chase started to wear off and I fell into a dark depression.  I still feel sad around this time.  This was the first holiday that I completely understood we would not ever get to celebrate with Chase.  But praise God that sadness is nothing compared to the darkness I felt on that first Easter.

When I look back over my life I think depression is something that I've always struggled with.  I would be doing great and things would be good and the smallest change in anything could make me close myself off.  I would become disinterested in things, tired, I wouldn't sleep well, and I felt like Eeyore.  Or my favorite- Negative Nancy.

After I lost Chase, this darkness was like nothing I've ever experienced.  I found it very difficult to focus.  I wanted to lay in the bed all day.  I was very irritable.  I didn't know how to interact with people.  Anytime I was in a crowd I felt the anxiety building up.  I had nightmares almost every night.  I was completely exhausted. I didn't even have the energy to cry. Worst of all I started having major suicidal thoughts.

At work it was always my job to take the mail out in the mornings and put it in the mailbox.  For those of you who don't know Y-12 if right in front of a four lane road.  One morning as I was walking to the mailbox I thought how easy it would be to keep on going.  How easily I could walk right out into the oncoming traffic and go home to be with my Chase.  It was only by God's loving protection of me that I didn't that day.  As I look back I realize how horrific that thought is.  It almost feels embarrassing for me to open up and tell this. I'm sure right now you are thinking "Where was your faith?"  "Where was your trust in God?"  "Did you not realize that Chase was in a better place?"

Now that I am out of that darkness I look back and realize that was the time that I felt so mad at God.  I questioned Him. Why would you take Chase away from us?  He was loved and had a good family, why take him?  There are so many other children out there with horrible families, but instead of them you took Chase. Right around this time I had a girl come into the credit union.  She was around six months pregnant and  was telling me how her other child had recently been taken away from her and her husband because of molestation charges.  She flat out told me this!!  I went to the back and cried and cried.  I couldn't understand why.

Easter Sunday came and I was having a hard time.  Sunday mornings were always difficult because Isaiah took Kiersten early with him and I had Chase.  I loved dressing him up on Sunday mornings.  During Sunday school that morning Ralton was talking about how God gave His Son to pay for our sins. How by Jesus' death and resurrection our sins were paid for.  Through all my years in church I've heard this a million times.  I've witnessed to others and told them the same thing.  I've taught it to my Sunday School classes and children's church.  But hearing it that Sunday morning made something click inside of me.  I cried.

After months of feeling so alone and misunderstood, I realized that none understood like God did.  He knew better than anyone what it felt like to watch His son die.  He watched as He was tortured, beaten, spit upon, laughed at, called names, and so much more. And he did all of this so that on November 24, 2009 when my sweet boy took his last breath He could welcome Chase into heaven.  I realized that he wasn't being mean to me.  What He did wasn't unfair.  Chase was never mine to begin with.  Before eternity God knew that my little Chase would be born on August 2, 2009 and he would only live to be 114 days old.  He planned this.  He sent His son to come and die to pay for my sweet Chase's sin and my sin so that one day we can spend eternity together praising His sweet name!

I still have those days where I want to curl up in bed and cry.  I miss Chase.  BUT, the Lord rescued me from the darkest of the night and showed me that joy does indeed come in the morning.

From One Day to the Next

November 24, 2009.  To many people this date is just another day, there isn't anything special about it.  To me, this day means everything.  This was the day my heart was shattered into a billion pieces.

November 24, 2009 started out a little differently.  Normally, Chase woke up around 5:30-6 and I got up with him, fed him, rocked him, and laid him back down. That morning I was feeling a little yuck so Isaiah got up and did all the things I normally did with him.  I got up a little later, took my shower, put on my makeup, fixed my hair, and put on my burgundy turtleneck sweater, black dress pants, and black boots.  When I came into the living room Isaiah had already put Chase in his car seat and was ready to take him and Kiersten to Mandy's.  I wanted so bad to get him out and hug him, but I didn't.  I thought Isaiah is ready to go and I'll see him this afternoon.  Instead, I gave him a kiss and hugged and kissed Kiersten and they left.  I've never uttered this to a single person, but on my way to work I thought what if something happens and I didn't hold him.  I then quickly thought everything will be fine and I'll see him when I get home.

Work was normal.  It was a Tuesday so we weren't that busy.  I had only been back for 20 days.  Everyday I missed so much being on maternity leave. I loved being at home with my babies.  Around 11:30 Mandy had called me because Kiersten had pooped in the potty and wanted to tell me.  She was so excited!  We had been working with her for a couple of months and she would pee fine, but was scared to go #2.  We had bought her some things from the Disney Store and had hung them up in the bathroom telling her that she could have them when she pooped in the potty.  She wanted to ask me if she would get her present when we got home. :)  I called Isaiah to to tell him and we debated about taking it to her on my lunch break, but decided against it.

Later that day, Gerry had asked me to run to Lowe's to pick up some Christmas lights because we were going to decorate the credit union after work.  As I was pulling in Isaiah called me excited about a job offer that he had just received.  If he took this job I would be able to stay at home with Kiersten and Chase.  I was so excited I could hardly contain myself!  The though of getting to stay at home was the best thing ever!  It was about 4:30 when I got back and I couldn't wait to tell Amber and Renee.  I was standing at my station talking to Gerry when the phone rang.  I glanced at the clock before I answered it and it was 5.  As I answered I went through my spill Y-12 Federal Credit Union this is Brittany how can I help you and the lady answered back this is (I can't remember her name) with dispatch and I need to speak to Brittany Ruffner.  The first thing that went through my head was that we were being robbed.  I looked around and didn't see anything suspicious and told her that I was speaking.  She told me that I needed to get to Mandy's house right away.  I asked her what was wrong.  She said that they couldn't tell me over the phone, and I said please tell me whats wrong.  Her exact words were, "I'm so sorry.  Jessica called 911. Chase isn't breathing."  I hung up the phone and ran.

As I was almost to the car, Susan was coming around the front and she said that she would drive.  I handed her the keys and got in.  My head was spinning and all I felt was complete terror.  I look back and am so thankful for Susan driving me.  There is no way I could have driven myself.  I was a wreck.  As we were pulling out I called Isaiah.  He had happened to work from home that day and was closer than I was to Mandy's.  I told him about the call and he left right away.  The whole way there I prayed and I prayed.  In my heart I already knew that everything wasn't going to be ok.  I already knew that he wasn't going to make it.

When we pulled in the ambulance was there and they were loading Chase up.  I jumped out of the car and ran to him.  When I saw him his appearance confirmed what I was so afraid of.  They had been and were still doing cpr on him and told us that they were going to Fort Loudoun Medical Center in Lenoir City.  We hopped in the Explorer and followed.  On the way I called my mom and Isaiah called his parents and Brother Paul. Then we prayed and prayed and prayed.  I kept telling God, "I know you raised Lazarus from the dead and you can do it again."  I can still close my eyes and feel the lights from the ambulance flashing across my face.  I don't think I will ever forget that feeling.

When we got there we jumped out and ran to where they were unloading Chase.  The emt's were still doing cpr.  A lady took us and put us in a room by ourselves to wait only confirming my fear.  I kept thinking why else would they put us in a room by ourselves.  Soon after we got in there the chaplain come to talk to us.  He prayed with us and asked us if he could get us anything, then the hospital administrator also came to talk to us.  I believe they were trying to prepare us for what would come later.  My dad showed up next.  I can still see my daddy standing up against the wall with his hands in his pockets trying to look brave for me.  My dad's presence there meant so much to me.  He helped calm me.  Next, it was Brother Paul, Darrell and Caleb, and the rest of the family.  It felt as if hours had passed when the doctors, a lady and man, came in.  One look at her face and I knew what she was going to say.  I begged her. No, no, no, no please don't say what I know.  She knelt down and told me that she was so sorry they did all they could do. I slid out of the chair on my knees, she hugged me, and I cried.

They asked if we wanted to see him.  I said yes.  They offered to bring me a wheelchair and I declined.  I wanted to walk to my son.  He was laying on the hospital bed wrapped up in a white blanket with tubes still coming out of his mouth.  He looked like he was peacefully sleeping.  She picked him up and handed him to me and I held and hugged him.  His face already felt cold so I wrapped him up tighter and held my face to his.   It felt so important that I try to keep him warm.  Right after I had him he was so little that I was always afraid of him getting cold at night so I would wrap him up in his blanket.  As I was holding and rocking him the strangest feeling came over me.  I was calm.  I knew he was ok.  I knew as I held his tiny shell that he was in heaven experiencing the wonderful goodness of being in God's presence.  I knew Jesus had him. I knew at that moment that God wrapped me up in His love and peace.  He was holding me and telling me that it was ok.

After everyone had come in and said their goodbye's it was time to leave him.  Brother Paul had asked if we wanted him to step out and we said no.  I am so thankful for our wonderful pastor.  He was the peace and calm throughout all of this (as was his wonderful family).  He always knew exactly what to say and do at the perfect time.  I asked him if he thought Chase was a baby in heaven.  He replied, "I don't think so. That wouldn't be very fun would it?" I smiled.  This exchange made me able to put Chase down and leave him.

It was time to leave my baby boy.  Darrell went out to pull our car around for us and the battery was dead.  When we pulled in we jumped out without turning the lights off.  I think my dad and papaw went out to jump start it and Darrell drove us home. Isaiah sat in the back with me and we just held each other.  All I could think about was how Chase will never ride home with us again.

When we got home. I went to his bedroom and sat down in front of his bed.  I still felt that overwhelming sense of God's peace surrounding me.  I know there were so  many that were praying for us and words cannot express the thanks for those sweet prayers.  All of our family came back home with us and stayed with us for a little while.  Midway played Kingston that night at Kingston and after the game Rob Viar and Thomas came by. Later I found out how they had a moment of silence for my family at the game and how the boys broke to Chase's name. This still brings tears to my eyes.  I was still in Chase's room with Darcy, mom, and Lindsey and Rob came in and sat down beside me.  It meant so much that that they stopped by.

After everyone left it was just Isaiah and I.  That night Kiersen stayed with one of the grandparents. I can't remember if it was Isaiah's parents or mine.  We were so exhausted we went to bed.  Finally after drifting off to sleep I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I had heard Chase make a noise.  I took a minute to realize that it wasn't him.  That I had imagined it.  That I would never hear him again.  Then came the first of many panic attacks that I would have.

November 24, 2009 As I woke up that morning I never imagined that November 25, 2009 would be so different.

I felt that it was important for those of you who read my blog and don't know my family and I to know what happened.  I want you to know the background information for my future post. When I'm writing about a particular emotion or feeling I want you to be able to look back to this and possibly understand why that feeling was there.

   

Back to the Beginning

I've debated back and forth about where I should start.  Should I jump into the heart of things? Should I go back to my childhood and begin from there?  Should I start from the day Isaiah and I got married?  etc, etc, etc... I feel like there are so many moments in my life that have shaped and define me and made me into who I am today.  They are a part of me and explain why I have had different reactions to different things during my grieving process. I have decided to deal with these things and explain them as they come.  Right now I want to tell a happy story about two young people who met and fell in love. :)  Doesn't that sound so cliche?

I can still remember the first time I saw Isaiah.  My parents and I had just started coming to Shiloh and we decided to come to the Christmas Bash they held every year.  The Christmas Bash was a fun get together where everyone brought pot luck food and after there were several different skits and fun things.  I remember sitting there next to Brittanie Viar having a good time when a band was introduced to come play.  I looked up and there he was.  He had a blue hat on that was turned around backwards, a white t-shirt, and jeans and it was love at first sight! Well, maybe not love but I sure thought he was hott stuff!  I couldn't work up the nerve to go up and talk to him that night so I didn't, and besides I had a boyfriend at the time.  So, time went on and finally he noticed me that summer during one of our youth led services when I gave my testimony.  So, this led to this and that lead to that and thanks to my wonderful "future" sis-in-law (Darcy Patton :)) we were teaching Bible school together! Our first date was July 2, 2002, he popped the question in July of 2004 (on the beach at sunset), and we were married on December 17, 2005.

Our first kiss as a married couple!!

One of the happiest days of my life!!

We were like any young married couple. Except, I really feel like he got the short end of the stick.  He was (notice I use was in past tense :)) very neat and organized and I was a complete mess.  I am so embarrassed to say this but I didn't even know how to start the washing machine!!!  You can forget about cooking.  I had no idea what I was doing in the kitchen.  I remember one time I was frying hamburger meat and I had the eye turned up to eight, the meat was getting scorched, and Isaiah ran in and turned it down.  I was so embarrassed.  I still remember thinking, "I bet he wishes he hadn't married me. I know he has to be afraid he'll starve to death."  Needless to say, I've come a very, very long way from what I was.  I've actually become a pretty good cook. At least that's what he says. :) So, there's the way shortened version of how Isaiah and I came to be man and wife.

 By the grace of God our lives were fused together as one and we began heading down the "road of life" hand in hand.  I have been through so many mixed emotions after the death of Chase and satan has really used some of those thoughts and feelings to burden me and hold me down.  I have several times thought back to our wedding day and questioned God and wondered why he would bring us together to travel such a painful road.  I have wondered if Isaiah knew what would happen if he would have still married me, or would I have married him? Would that have saved us from this horrible heartbreak?  Satan tried to use these things to get in my mind and destroy my trust in God and my marriage.  One of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 29:11 and it says, " For I know the plans I have toward you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." There it is in that one verse.  Loosing Chase was not to harm me. In fact, God plans to give me a hope and a future.  So many times when I had those horrible thoughts this verse would come to mind, and it was God telling me it's ok, I have a wonderful future for you.  You are my child.  I love you so much that I sent my one and only Son to die a horrible death upon the cross to take away your sin.  You have hope. You have a wonderful future. You will spend eternity with me in heaven and never have to say goodbye to your baby Chase again.  What wonderful promises we have in Jesus.  Thank you God for loving me.  I share those thoughts to say this.  When you are broken hearted and burdened I believe that is one of satans favorite times to throw those ugly, mean, and nasty thoughts at you.  That is the time to make sure that you have on your belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, shield of faith, helmet of salvation, sandals of readiness, and sword of the Spirit (God's word) because satan will try to wage a war for your mind. (Ephesians 6:10-18)  He's tried to win mine, but praise His wonderful name, I serve a almighty, wonderful, awesome God that has not left me alone and helpless.  He has armed me and protects me.  

Starting Out

Hello everyone!  I am super nervous about starting this blog!  I am a "newbie" in every way! I've never had a blog before and am not super familiar with them, so hang with me as I learn how to navigate.  Also, I very nervous about opening myself up and talking about my experiences.  As I sit here and type this I am nervously shaking!!  I have never truly shared my story with others, besides Isaiah and my mom, and I want to be raw and real with you.  So, all of that to say that prayers would be very appreciated as I start this journey!